


you wouldn't believe

by forgettheghosts



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: M/M, urequited hidekane mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-29
Updated: 2018-04-29
Packaged: 2019-04-29 10:45:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14470962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forgettheghosts/pseuds/forgettheghosts
Summary: In which Amon sees Hide's face, makes some mistakes, and gets the boy in the end.





	you wouldn't believe

**Author's Note:**

> Once again born from a discussion about Amon comforting Hide over his scars. For weeks it was just known as "the scar fic" and I picked a title based on the song I'm listening to while writing this. Not quite what was originally discussed, but... I at least wrote it? I tried not to woobify Hide, but I wanted to portray his insecurity. I feel like Hide doesn't feel like he deserves kindness, and I wanted amon to show him some.  
> I'm in exams hell so please tell me if I messed up/something makes no sense, and I will fix it.  
> in the immortal words of ff.net: no flames, don't like don't read. constructive criticism is welcome.  
> Title from Some Nights by Fun

Amon Koutarou was a man of action.

Amon had many skills. He was one of the greatest (human, at the start) fighters the CCG had ever produced. He had survived experimentation, come out the other side less human but still fighting. He was still a skilled commander and was helping bridge the gap between the CCG and Goat forces.

What he was not good at, however, was expressing himself. Verbally, at least. He was fine when he could punch his way through his problems, but not when he was forced to face them down in the form of a 5’3 bleached blond with an infectious laugh, mind like a whip and a sense of humour that could make even Akira crack a smile.

When he had first met Hide, he had just been an office assistant. Making coffee, delivering mail, sometimes fetching people’s takeout. He had seemed nice enough, but had been more or less off Amon’s radar until he had revealed his connection to Kaneki- whatever that had been, Amon was still slightly unclear (for Hide’s sake, he hoped it was platonic- he had no love lost for Kaneki, but they guy was married, and Amon liked Hide and didn’t want to see him hurt any more than he already had been). Everything had gone so fast after that, and before he knew it he had been captured, and Hide had- been wherever he was before going on the run from the Washuus.

Hide had been very vague so far on what had happened during his time on the run. How he had survived his initial injuries at all was unknown- there hadn’t exactly been time for a long talk about each other’s pasts. Despite that, however, the two had become somewhat close in the short time since they had met. One thing that Amon had noticed about Hide (because yes, Akira, he did in fact notice other people on occasion) was how protective Hide was of his face. He always covered it- usually with a scarf, sometimes just with a surgical mask (would he like the ones with cartoon faces that Amon had seen in Harajuku? Probably. He resolved to ask Akira later) if the weather was warm, revealing his voice prosthetic and neck scarring. But the state of Hide’s face remained a mystery.

Amon had witnessed various attempts of people to reveal Hide’s face- encouraging him to cool off from the heat-

_Ah, do I smell? I’ll take a shower!_

Inquiring after his health-

_I’m not sick, don’t worry! It’s a fashion statement!_

And on one particularly memorable occasion, someone spilling a drink on him (whether this was intentional or not was unclear), which had lead to Hide choking on the water that had entered his prosthetic, Kaneki glaring the promise of painful death at the agent who had done the spilling, and Marude rushing over with what looked like half a dispenser’s worth of napkins.

They were all rather protective of Hide.

But despite various attempts and accidents of various personnel and allies, few if any among them had seen Hide’s face since his return- well, presumably Kaneki had, but no one was about to go and ask him. Most humans and ghouls alike were still healthily afraid of the One-Eyed King.

Amon and Hide had been spending more and more time together since the end of the war. The new Alliance had established quarters for both members and civilians, and Amon had volunteered to help Hide move in- because one thing he would agree with Akira on was that he was good at carrying things (he had already been co-opted into carrying all her bags as she replaced her professional wardrobe). Neither of them had been asked to share accommodations with anyone- a reward for their efforts in the war, apparently. But Amon seemed to often end up at Hide’s apartment anyway. Often there were others there; Kaneki, Akira and Marude were regulars, but others would occasionally arrive who were more surprising. Ghouls like Nishiki, Hinami and Tsukiyama, and even members of the CCG and Quinx who Amon didn’t know. It was truly bizarre, but so far no one had turned down an invitation from Hide. To do so seemed taboo, somehow. Hide seemed to be revelling in being able to socialize with as many people as possible, and often hosted social gatherings ranging from dinners (which were slowly becoming less awkward) and movie nights (he loved American cinema, and Amon had been dragged into watching various English films).

And still, throughout all this, no one had seen Hide’s face. He never ate or drank in front of anyone, and no matter how busy and full of motion he way, his scarf or mask never seemed to slip.

When Amon finally saw his face, it was by accident. He had arrived at Hide’s door one morning, intending to invite him out for coffee- something they had been doing on and off for the past week. He was a little earlier than usual but had figured it wasn’t going to be a problem. He knocked on the door. When there was no answer, he tried again. After a few seconds he heard the sound of pounding feet, and the door was flung open.

“Amon! Sorry, sorry! I overslept, my alarm went off- do you want to wait? I could go far a tea, the lady at the café down the street said they were getting a new shipment of genmaicha- “

Amon was barely listening- he was too distracted by finally seeing Hide’s face; or rather, what was left of it. His teeth and gums were revealed, and his cheeks were mostly gone. There was almost no part of the lower half of his face that wasn’t scar tissue. It was-

It was horrific.

With a start, Amon realized that he had been staring with his mouth open, he had raised his hand to cover his own mouth, and that Hide had stopped talking, a look of realization spreading across his eyes. His cheeks coloured red, and he slapped a hand over his mouth (teeth? Fuck, he didn’t have a _mouth_ anymore), and made a slight squeaking sound.

“Shit, I’m sorry Amon! I was in a rush, I forgot to cover up, I…. I’ll just- give me a minute, okay?”

With that, the door slammed shut.

Amon blinked a few times, trying to process what had happened. Whatever had been done to Hide, whatever he had gone through…. It wasn’t that Amon _couldn’t_ imagine, he just really didn’t want to. He knew what scars resulting from bites looked like, and he had seen the aftermath of many a ghoul related injury.

At some point in the past few years, Hide had survived a ghoul attack. That was a difficult feat for a trained operative, never mind for a delivery boy. But then, Hide had proven himself extraordinary in many ways.

And Amon had just stared at him like he was some kind of freakshow.

_Fuck._

It had definitely been longer than a minute. Had he upset Hide? That was… a scarier thought then it should have been. For some reason, the idea of upsetting Hide filled him with a sense of dread, and he felt the sick sensation of guilt in his gut. His first instinct was to call Akira or Marude, but if he had upset Hide then either one of them was more likely to hit him then anything else.

Cautiously, he knocked on the door again. From inside, Hide’s voice sounded.

“I’m actually not feeling great today, Amon. I didn’t sleep too well. Can we meet tomorrow?”

Amon sighed. He had most certainly, to put it delicately, fucked up.

“Hide, I’m sorry. I was just surprised.”

No answer.

“Can I come in?”

It would probably be overstepping to let himself into Hide’s apartment. A breach of trust. They were both adults, there was no need to lose his cool (yes, Akira, he did have cool). But he pictured walking around all day trying to act normally and complete his work knowing he had upset Hide. That wasn’t going to make him very productive.

Slowly, Amon turned the doorknob. It was unlocked, and he eased the door open. Hide’s apartment was simple but held many traces of his personality. Amon walked past the posters of American bands, a shelf of Gundams, and past the kitchenette. Hide was in the living room, sitting on the couch with his head in his hands. Slowly, Amon approached him.

“Hide?” He asked quietly.

The younger man looked up and rubbed at his eyes. He was crying. Amon had made him _cry._ He had made _Hide cry._

“Hide, I- “

“I’m sorry, Amon.” Hide cut him off. “I was in a rush and forgot my mask. You shouldn’t have had to see that, I know it’s pretty ugly. I won’t forget again. Can we just talk tomorrow?”

“Hide it’s”

“Really, I’m fine, I just need some sleep- “

“Hideyoshi!” Amon called, raising his voice. The use of his full name stopped Hide’s rambling, and Amon took a deep breath. “I’m the one who should apologize. I was just surprised, is all. I shouldn’t have reacted that way. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Slowly, Amon moved forward and sat down next to Hide. “I reacted badly. I’m sorry.”

Hide shook his head slightly. “It’s not your fault. Anyone would, seeing me. I’m a bit of an eye sore.”

“You aren’t.”

Hide’s eyes crinkled in a smile that Amon knew wasn’t genuine. “Don’t worry, really.”

Amon carefully placed a hand on Hide’s shoulder. His heart hammered in his chest as his hand rested on the smaller man. “Not many people survive a ghoul attack. I won’t ask you for details if you don’t want to give them, but… all it means is that you’re strong, and brave. That’s not something to be ashamed of.”

He felt Hide lean slightly into his touch. “If you want to tell me anything…” Amon continued “then you can. I’m not the best with comforting others, but I can listen.” When Hide didn’t pull away, Amon gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze.

After a moment, Hide spoke, his voice even rougher than usual. “You reacted how anyone would, that’s the thing. I can’t walk down the street without covering my face, because people will see how disgusting I look.” With a shudder, he fell against Amon’s shoulder, and Amon wrapped his arm tighter around him.

“I know it’s not much of a comfort, but there are lots of officers in the CCG who don’t fit in with civilian life, in their own way. I don’t. And they won’t judge you for it, they’ll be impressed you survived an attack.” Amon offered. He felt Hide shake his head slightly.

“It wasn’t, though. If it had been an attack, at least it wouldn’t be my fault.”

Amon frowned. “What do you mean? How could it be your fault?” Hide fiddled with his hands in his lap, not answering. “Hide, I won’t make you tell me. I just don’t see how something like that could be your fault.”

Hide took a deep breath, and after a few moments seemingly gathering himself, he spoke. “Remember how I told you I was there when the CCG went after Aogiri?”

Amon nodded. He was still confused as to how Hide had managed to not only steal a uniform but sneak his way into one of the armoured trucks carrying agents. Though if there was one thing Amon had learned about Hide, it was that there was a great deal of intelligence behind that unassuming façade.

“I went because I knew Kaneki would be there. I found him in the sewers, before he fought Arima. He had gone all out kakuja, but he was badly hurt, and he hadn’t been eating. So, I told him to eat me. So that he could live.”

Amon felt a sickening weight settle in his stomach. “Kaneki did that to you?”

Hide shook his head. “It wasn’t his fault. He wasn’t in his right mind, and I asked him to. He would have died otherwise.”

“He could have killed you.”

Hide shook his head. “No, I don’t think he could. If he could, he would have. In that state it would have made more sense for him to. But he didn’t.” Tears began to spill from Hide’s eyes again. He didn’t reach up to wipe them away, and without thinking Amon found himself lightly brushing his thumb over the upper parts of Hide’s cheeks, wiping the salty tracks away.

“Don’t say anything to him, ok?” Hide asked, not looking at Amon.

Amon frowned, but agreed. “Not if you don’t want me to.”

They sat in silence for a time, with Hide pressed against Amon’s side. When his breathing had calmed down and his heartbeat no longer sounded erratic, Amon asked the question that was racing through his mind.

“Why did you do it?”

He heard Hide’s breath catch, and it took him a few minutes to answer.

“I was so in love with him. I loved him so much, I would have done anything for him. I was ready to die that day.” With that, Hide stood up. “I think I’m going to take the day off. I’ll see you later, ok?”

Hide disappeared down the hall, and Amon heard his bedroom door close. With a sigh, he stood up and left the apartment.

* * *

 

Amon didn’t see Hide for a couple of days after that. It wasn’t unusual by itself- they were both busy, and they often worked in different departments. It was completely normal for them to not see each other for long stretches of time. But Amon couldn’t help but feel like this had more to do with what had happened at Hide’s apartment then anything else.

The day after that conversation, Amon had seen Kaneki from across the office. He was startled by a strong urge within himself to approach the other man. He could easily picture himself grabbing him by the collar, demanding to know why he had done what he had.

_What gave him the right? Didn’t he see what he had done? Didn’t he know what he had caused? What he had lost?_

But of course, the other part of him realized that when he looked into Kaneki’s eyes, he could see in the pain there the without ever asking.

_I know, I know, I know, I know._

It was three days later when Akira hit him over the head with a legal pad.

“What was that for?” He asked, rubbing at the spot on his scalp where the edge of the pad had impacted.

‘For moping around for days. You need to stop; your misery is distracting me.” She replied, candid as ever.

“I’m not miserable.” He mumbled, knowing full well any protesting was pointless. Besides, she wasn’t wrong.

“Funnily enough, Hide’s been miserable too. Any correlation there?” She asked, eyes not leaving her laptop and fingers still typing.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“If you upset him, Marude will skin you- and I’m pretty sure the entire office would help him hide your body.” She commented, nonchalant.

Amon sighed. “I may have messed up.”

She looked up and raised one perfectly pencilled eyebrow at him. “Well then, I’d encourage you to fix whatever it is you did.”

“If I knew how to do it I would have already.” He replied.

She sighed at him, pointedly. “Communication, Amon. We’ve discussed this. Now go talk to him, I can’t work with you sitting around looking pathetic any longer.”

“I’m not going to drag him away from work in the middle of the day.”

“It’s his day off, I checked.”

Amon frowned. Akira was too smart. “You’re too smart”, he informed her, in a way that he hoped was cutting. Her unimpressed gaze told him it was not.

“Just get out, Amon.”

With only mild complaining, Amon got up from his desk and headed over to the elevators. As he rode down to the lobby and crossed over to the large glass entrance, he tried to come up with a way to explain to Hide how sorry he was; that he understood what had happened and wanted to make it right. It was a beautiful day outside. The sky was clear, and the sun had lit up the new buildings in the complex. Around him CCG agents and ghouls alike walked freely, not a fight in sight. The old grudges that had haunted them all were very slowly being laid to rest.

Had things gone differently, had the alliance failed, Amon and the other hybrids and ghouls would be in hiding right now. They would be living in fear of a world that hated them.

That was what Hide was doing, Amon realized. He was afraid. He was afraid of being judged, of being mocked. He knew better than most the cruelty people could exhibit, and he must have thought every day since his injuries happened about how he would never perceived like other people. Suddenly, Amon could understand his fear and shame much better.

When he arrived at Hide’s door, he didn’t have to wait long after knocking before he heard Hide walking to the door. It opened, revealing his face- covered with his scarf, this time.

“Oh- hey, Amon. What’s up?” hide asked. His usual cheeriness was forced, and Amon winced internally.

“Could we… that is, can I talk to you for a minute?” Amon asked.

Hide hesitated before replying. “Sure. Come on in. Coffee?”

“Alright.”

Amon followed hide inside and sat at the kitchen table while Hide brewed coffee. When Hide was sitting across from him, he spoke.

“What did you want to talk about? I’ve finished organizing the new training program files, if you want to see them.”

“Uh, yes- I mean, not right now. Later.” Amon stammered. _God,_ what was it about Hide that made him so awkward? It was like he was a kid again talking to the cute girl at the cafeteria counter.

_Oh._

Amon resolved to deal with that revelation later. Right now, he was on a mission, and Hide was starting to look at him funny. Meeting Hide’s wide, expectant eyes, Amon found himself at a loss. What he came up with was not what he had carefully planned on the way over.

“I don’t go for dinner with Akira anymore.”

Hide blinked at him and nodded slowly. “Um. Okay?”

Amon swallowed. _Shit._

“I mean, since I got out of the labs. I tried to go with her and some coworkers a few times, but I can’t really eat with them anymore. Obviously, since I can’t... you know.”

Hide nodded again, still confused but allowing Amon to ramble.

“I was embarrassed. I felt like everyone was watching me and that they must know why. And I was self conscious, and scared. I thought it would be better for everyone if I just avoided it all together. I was-“ Be _honest,_ Amon “I _am_ ashamed of what I’ve become.” Amon looked up at Hide again, who was shaking his head.

“You don’t have anything to be ashamed of, Amon. There was nothing you could do. Other people used you, it wasn’t your fault.”

Amon nodded. “I know. But what happened to you isn’t anything to be ashamed of either.”

Hide startled, obviously taken aback. “It’s not the same. I made a choice.”

“I know. But it was a brave one. You saved someone you loved.”

Hide looked away, pink colouring his cheeks. “Yeah. But now I have to remember what I gave up for someone who didn’t love me back.”

Amon was about to interject but Hide continued. “I don’t regret it. And I… I’m moving on. I have other people now. I’m not alone, I don’t have just one person as my goal.” Hide paused. “You said last time that… you thought it made me strong.”

“I did.” Amon affirmed.

“Do you really believe that?”

Amon slowly reached across the table and took one of Hide’s hands that was resting on it. “I do. I’ve always thought you were strong, Hide. This just proves you’re even braver then I thought. You survived impossible odds- and I’m very glad that you did.”

The blush colouring Hide’s face grew, and he laughed. “Jeez, Amon Koutarou himself giving me compliments! Careful. You’ll ruin your big tough image, Mr. Investigator.”

Amon smiled, happy to hear Hide laugh again. “I don’t mind.”

Hide stood up, not letting go of Amon’s hand.

“If I could, I think I would kiss you right now.”

Now it was Amon’s turn to blush and come up with what he hoped was a suave reply. He stood as well and walked over to Hide. Slowly he bent down and pressed a kiss to Hide’s forehead.

“Well,” he said, “I’m sure we can work up to it.”

Amon Koutarou was, after all, a man of action.

**Author's Note:**

> Come judge my life choices and talk to me about ghouls on [tumblr](http://mageswolf.tumblr.com/)


End file.
